Breathing Through My Vagina

Monday, June 14th… no Grady. Tuesday, June 15th… Grady.

Labor was less than fun. I woke up at 4 am on Monday morning with some incredible pain. I was a afraid to go to the hospital since I’d already made two false trips. In fact, I had been to the hospital 12 hours ago claiming that my water broke. Turned out I had just peed myself. Awesome. Feeling pretty.

Anyway, we get to the hospital after dropping Hammy off at Camp Bow Wow and I can barely breathe. Jason finds a stray wheelchair, I hop in and we are on our way to the Labor and Delivery Ward. I’m admitted. First thing I do is beg for the epidural. While we wait for the anesthesiologist, the nurse helps me handle the pain. How? By calmly and soothingly telling me to “breathe through your vagina.” I’m not kidding.
“Breathe through your vagina, Nicole. That’s it. In through your vagina and out through your vagina. You’re doing great. Now I want you to breathe through your rectum. In through your vagina and out of your rectum.”
If I didn’t have the world’s most awful pressure and pain in my vagina and rectum I would have been laughing. Instead, I shot Jason dagger eyes that clearly stated, “If you let her tell me to breathe through my vagina and/or rectum one more time…” He cut her off and tried to coach me through it himself.
22 hours later Grady made his debut. I will spare you the in between details but it was long and laborful. Grady was perfect and 5 days later we made it home with him. Now for the fun stuff…

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