I was just back from the gym and needed to shower before taking Annie Bea to school this morning. To keep her occupied, I turned to Netflix.
Me: Ok, what do you want to watch?
Me: Uh uh. No way.
I’m cool with Barbie as a doll. Annie Bea can dress her up and decorate her Dream House and dance with her and whatever. But as a person, Barbie’s not nice. She and her friends are just plain mean to each other. It’s not cool. Annie can’t watch it.
Me: Oh, look at this, Annie. There’s a show about puppies. It’s called Precious Puppies. It’s sooo cute. Want to watch this?
Annie: Yes! Precious Puppies! Yes, yes, yes!
I couldn’t help but watch the first five minutes with her before jumping in the shower. It was the cutest thing. A kid-friendly documentary on sweet, cuddly puppy dogs. They were playing and frolicking in the grass. They were doing tricks and sleeping and just being the cutest things on earth. Annie Bea and I were glued to the screen. Then, everything went wrong.
Before I could realize what was happening, a pregnant Golden Retriever was giving birth. My 4-year-old daughter was watching this bitch (medical term… I checked) push an amniotic sac out of her baby hole (not a medical term… I checked). A real, live birth – front and center. A puppy in an amniotic sac was coming out of a dog’s vagina right before our very eyes.
Annie Bea’s face was pure horror. Total shock. Mouth hanging open. Eyes dilated. Forehead all scrunched up.
Way to go, Netflix. Where’s the stork? Someone call the f-ing stork!
Annie: Ewww! Mom, what’s happening?
She’s too young. I can’t have this talk right now. What do I do?
Me: Let’s watch Barbie!
Annie: Yay, Barbie!