Derby Doolittle

My maiden name is Derby. And I have a long history of being chased by animals – llamas, squirrels, birds, fish, cats, iguanas, horses, frogs – they all want a piece of me. So from time to time, my friends will refer to me as Derby Doolittle.

Well last weekend, Derby Doolittle was introduced to some new friends on the beach.

There I was, sitting on a towel watching my two gorgeous children splashing in the waves. My husband had just left to get me an ice-cold beer. The sun was setting and the temperature was ideal.

Annie Bea: Mom, I’m getting hungry.

So Annie sat on a towel next to me eating a bag of Lays potato chips. Some sand got on a chip or two so she tossed them off to the side.

This is when shit hit the fan.

Anywhere from 15 to 490 seagulls flocked straight for our heads. We were surrounded. I can only assume these seagulls were avid pilates students because they were literally floating over us without flapping their wings. How do they do that? I mean, no one has stronger core muscles than the Hollywood Beach seagulls.

I tried to pick up the chips that Annie had tossed in the sand but the seagulls wanted no part of me touching their food. They really love Lays. Very protective of those chips. So I resorted to wild screaming at the top of my lungs.

Now that I had an audience, I picked Annie Bea up like a football and ran down the beach smacking my head and peeing in my pants. This is not an exaggeration. I was beating my head to a pulp out of fear that the birds might get closer. And I was 100% peeing.

I looked up. I looked left and right. I looked back. Those flying rats were still chasing me. In fact, their flock had doubled. So did my audience. So did the pee.

I realized Annie Bea was still clutching the bag of chips. I tore it out of her 4-year-old fingers and released it in the wind. But I stayed in Forrest Gump mode and I kept running for distance and safety.

When I put Annie Bea down on the sand, I discovered she’s just like me. She had been peeing, too.

The moral of the story is, next time I’m going to get the beers.

Love, Derby Doolittle.

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