They should have a psychiatrist in every Labor and Delivery room handing out Wackjob certificates to all the new moms. Because the second you gain a baby is the second you start losing your mind. You go from “La De Da” to “Everyone shut up – I need to hear the baby breathe!”
A few months ago, Hurricane Irma blew through Florida. As we were boarding up the house and preparing to evacuate, my mom called.
Mom: So what is your plan?
Me: We are going to Orlando.
Mom: I don’t think Orlando is far enough. You need to get further away.
Me: Well, it’s the only place we could get a hotel room and it’s definitely better than Miami.
Mom: Ummm, oh! Um, my friend at work told me they closed down Orlando.
Me: They closed it down?
Mom: Yeah, they’re letting people out but they’re not letting anyone in.
Me: I don’t think that’s right. Can you call your friend and make sure you heard her correctly?
Mom: No. I have no way of getting in touch with her.
During that same hurricane, my dear friend was talking on the phone with her own mother who was equally worried and grasping at straws to control the situation from thousands of miles away.
Friend: We are fine, Mom. The house is secured and we’re not zoned for evacuation.
Mom: Well, I still have a storage unit near your house. I’d feel much better if you just went and stayed there.
Friend: In the storage unit?
Mom: Yes. It’s an interior unit. You’ll be very safe.
Friend: You want me to go sit in a storage unit?
And then there’s me. I’m about to leave my kids for an eight day business trip. But this is no average business trip. It’s a cruise. There will be days at sea when we have no reception. No way to call home. So I’ve been making videos of the kids pretending it’s the future. Stay with me. Here’s how it works.
Annie Bea looks into the camera and says, “Good morning, mom! It’s me Annie Bea and today is next Tuesday. I have my cooking class after school. Then I’m going to play with Chloe on the swings. Daddy is picking me up afterwards to go home and eat lots of healthy vegetables. I’m going to bed early and will dream about you all night. I miss you and I love you.”
Only what actually got recorded is Annie Bea trying to grab the phone out of my hands so she can watch Shopkin commercials on YouTube. Grady runs into the room crying that he didn’t get a turn to watch something on my phone. I yell at both kids that “Mommy is trying to make nice memories to take with her on a business trip.” No one gets what I’m talking about – nor do they give a shit. I put both kids in timeout and push the button to stop recording.
I had good intentions, but in the end I’m just another Wackjob.