I just read a story about a woman who secretly delivered her baby in a bathroom stall at the Tucson International Airport. She left her baby boy on the changing table in the women’s room with a note that read, “Please help me. My mom had no idea she was pregnant. She is unable and unfit to take care of me. Please get me to the authorities so they can find me a good home. I just want what is best for him and it is not me. Please. I’m sorry.”
Dear Mom Who Left Her Baby at the Airport,
You just had the scariest day of your entire life. Not only did you bring a new person into the world, not only did you experience crazy amounts of pain and panic on a cold floor all by yourself, not only did you cut an umbilical cord for the first time, not only did you deal with racing thoughts and guilt and self doubt and fear, not only did you beg and plead for help in silence, but you also did the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do from this day forward. You said goodbye to your true love.
Like it or not, you are a mom now. Not because you gave birth to that sweet little baby boy. That’s just a technicality. You are a mom because you did what you believed was best for your baby.
Some people might argue that you did it the wrong way, in the wrong place, at the wrong time. I would argue that you did it exactly the way every mom does everything for her child. You guessed.
I can’t tell you how many times a day I guess. Big, life-changing guesses and little, who-gives-a-fuck guesses. Should I put Grady on medicine for ADHD? Should I let Annie Bea start kindergarten next year? Should I stay at home? Should I work? Should I buy Annie Bea more new clothes so she doesn’t feel like I don’t love her enough because her closet is full of hand-me-downs? Should I let Grady play video games? Should I put more money towards college funds or retirement? Should I buy the organic mac n’ cheese? Does it really matter? I don’t think it does. I don’t know. I’m just guessing.
Anyway, after every mom guesses, she has to live with the consequences. And now that your baby is in someone else’s hands, you might be feeling relieved and confident that you made the right decision. Or maybe you’re thinking about your baby nonstop and wishing you never let him go. Or maybe you’re in such a bad place that you can’t think about anything at all. Whichever way you’re feeling, that’s what it feels like to be a mom.
I’m sorry you couldn’t keep your baby because his love may have healed you. But I’m happy you let him live because now his love might heal someone else.
Big Hugs from Another Mom Who Wants You to Know It’s OK