10 Things that Cross My Mind Every Day

Not a day goes by when I don’t think about these ten very important things.

#10: Someone needs shoes.
Every day, someone in my house outgrows a pair of shoes – including me. Before I had kids, I wore a size 6.5 or 7 shoe. I probably had thirty pairs of the cutest shoes known to man. Then my son was born and my feet grew. Then my daughter was born and my feet grew. Now I wear an 8.

#9: How much is my house worth?
I am obsessed with real estate. Zillow, Redfin, Trulia – I love them all. If someone says, “I’m from Green River, Wyoming.” I am immediately typing it into my app to see what homes are like there. My husband is quite used to me nudging him at 3 AM to check out something like a duplex in Jonesboro, Arkansas, where our mailman was born.

#8: I have to pee.
Nine out of ten moms have to pee all of the time.

#7: I’m going to clean out my closet tonight.
I love a clean, organized closet. Love love love. Every morning I wake up thinking, “Tonight I will get home from work, put the kids in bed, pour a glass of wine, play some music and clean out my closet.” And every night I get home from work, spend 3 hours trying to get the kids in bed and collapse on my bed looking at real estate in Green River, Wyoming.

#6: We need to save more for college. Fuck it, I’ll just plan a vacation.
This is my brain in a nutshell. I will freakout while calculating how expensive college is going to be for my kids. I’ll wonder how we’re going to pay for it and still be able to retire. Then I’ll totally switch gears and start planning a party or a vacation or a home improvement project – you know, expensive things that would take money away from the big, scary college fund.

#5: When should I start getting Botox?
I mean, what am I waiting for, right?

#4: We’re out of Clorox Wipes.
No matter how many cases I buy of these wonderful, disinfectant, life-saving wipes, we are always running out of them. Probably because everyone in my house pisses all over the bathroom every day. It’s like I live with a bunch of graffiti artists and their spray paint of choice is piss.

#3: Where does traffic come from?
I have literally been trying to figure this out for decades. I don’t get it. If there’s no accident blocking the way and we all just GO, what’s stopping us? Why are we just sitting around staring at bumpers? DRIVE or stay home.

#2: Someone get me chocolate.
Before I had a daughter, I never had a sweet tooth. But now? I’ve been craving chocolate for 5 years.

#1: I wish I could sing.
One day, I’d love to get up on a stage and look out at a crowd filled with people I’ve known my whole life. A few piano notes play and off I go. “Never mind, I’ll find someone like youuu-ooo! I wish nothing but the best for you twooo!” I would sound just like Adele, only better. People would be stunned that I’ve kept this incredible talent a secret for (almost) 40 years.

Yes, this last one crosses my mind the MOST on a daily basis. Usually while I’m sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, singing my favorite songs at the top of my lungs. Which reminds me, where does all this traffic come from?!!!

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