A Few Words from JLo and Nicole

Jennifer Lopez accepted an award from MTV last month and in her speech she shared a realization that came to her late in life. Well, I’ve had a realization this year, as well. So I’m stealing JLo’s speech and giving it my own spin. Humor me. (JLo’s speech in black. Mine is in purple.)

I grew up on MTV and this is, like, really a tremendous honor for me.

I wanted to grow up on MTV but my mom refused to get cable. So I was raised on Matlock instead. 

It has been an incredible journey of dreaming my wildest dreams and then, kinda watching them come true.

It has been an incredible journey of dreaming my wildest dreams – in bed with two kids, a dog and a Jason.  

Music, acting, performing – this career has always been kind of an obsession for me.

Catholic school uniforms, basement keg parties, advertising campaigns, traveling, marriage, giving birth – this life has always been kind of an obsession for me. I guess.

When people have said, you know, “You’re doing so much. You can only do one thing.” I was always like, “Why?”

When people have said, “You’re doing so much. You can only do one thing.” I’m like, “HA! Ok. You want to do it? No? Then, please, hold your breath.”

So I kinda had to forge my own path and make my own rules and I was obsessed like that and I liked it that way for a while.

So I kinda had to forge my own path and make my own rules – but no one ever listens to them so I just keep screaming like a goddamn lunatic and threatening to put everyone in timeout.

Just workin’ and workin’ and workin’. I love you, Cali!

Just workin’ and screamin’ and cleanin’. I love you, babysitters!

But it wasn’t until I had two little angels come into my life that everything changed.

But it wasn’t until I turned 40 that everything changed.

You know, I knew I had to be better. I knew I had to go higher, I knew I had to be stronger than I had been before. It was through that unconditional love that my career and my whole life became clearer in every way.

You know, I knew I had to be worse. I had to go to bed. I knew I had to slow down. I had to be weaker than I had ever been before. So I stopped volunteering for every single thing that came my way. I stopped booking my days with too many plans.  I stopped caring (sorta) what everyone else thought about where I was and what I was doing. And guess what? My life is (slowly) getting more manageable. In every way.

And now today, I stand here stronger and better than ever.

And now today, I stand here stronger and slightly less drunk than ever.

(pause for wild applause)

(pause for wild applause)

So thank you Max and Emmie. There’s so much more to do and I know in my heart that the future is bigger and brighter than anything I could have accomplished up to now because of you.

So thank you Age and Wisdom. There’s so much more to do and I know in my heart that you’ll keep me from doing at least a third of it. The future is full of Saturday afternoons in bed watching Dateline now because of you.

(more wild applause)

(more wild applause)

There are so many people that I got to thank. I have to thank, for the last 20 years, my core people who’ve been with me these last two decades, my lovers, my J-lovers, my dreamers, my friends, my family – who helped me to never lose focus, you know, you gotta stay focused.

There are so many people I want to thank. But honestly, it will just eat into my day and the entire point of this post was that I’m taking back my personal time. I’m living a little more for me and a little less for others. Very little – but I’m moving in the right direction. I just gotta stay focused. 

(JLo went on and on and on with her thank you’s for like three more minutes. It must be nice to have three minutes of time on your hands. One day I’ll reach her level. One day.)

 

 

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