10. It’s important to have a pool.
I don’t mean to sound naive or ignorant but I’m pretty sure all of the pool-less families have died off by now. No one can survive 60 days (and counting) trapped at home with kids and no pool.
9. Puzzles are a great disguise for quality time.
We’ve spent hours and hours gathered around the table not speaking to each other while doing puzzles. Not a word.
8. My husband’s hands are broken.
Jason has dropped every single fragile, messy object in our house. Literally, all of them. A glass gumball machine with hundreds of millions of billions of gumballs inside? Gone. An extra-large tupperware with two pounds of spaghetti and meatballs? Buh bye. An angry, exploding can of Pepsi? I can’t tell you the mess. Blueberry yogurt on the white curtains? Obviously. A fucking lava lamp? Yes, a fucking lava lamp. Oh, and wine glasses? Yeah, we don’t have those anymore. Drinking straight out of the bottle works just fine.
7. My children cannot hear anything under 80 decibels.
It’s so sad. The doctors can’t find anything wrong with their ears but it’s a real problem. I have to scream bloody murder (or louder) in order for anyone to hear me asking for help. Luckily, they can hear a faint whisper when I say dessert is ready. So, there’s hope.
6. When things can’t get worse—fleas.
Probably don’t need to go into much detail on this one. Anyone with a dog and a severe case of OCD can relate.
5. No one knows what that little knob thingy on the toilet is for.
Well, I shouldn’t say no one. Moms (and some dads) know that the knob thingy is a useful piece of hardware that performs a function we call “flush.”
4. With every passing week, happy hour starts an hour earlier.
During week 1 of the pandemic, we started happy hour at 5 PM—a respectable time and a well-deserved release after a full day of work and homeschooling. Week 2, happy hour was bumped up to 4 PM. We’re now on week 8. Happy hour starts immediately after a well-balanced breakfast.
3. I can’t with the math.
I mean, I can do math. I just can’t teach it. I know what 20 minus 3 equals but I don’t know why we have to write sentences about it. I won’t make my kids put together a thesis on subtraction. It’s stupid. Besides, they already got the answer from Alexa, anyway.
2. I can live without vacation. But it’s not pretty.
I’ve always worked hard. And the reason I’m able to do so is because I also vacation hard. During this pandemic, I drive to the airport at least twice a week just to see the planes and remind myself that they exist. One day, they will take me somewhere again. It will be so awesome.
1. My family is no mistake.
The quarantine has reaffirmed that my family is exactly who I’m supposed to be with. I live with the funniest people on the planet. I’m good.