I’m Not a Scientist

While dying Easter eggs, I was reminded of the fact that I am not a scientist. Here’s the play by play. Grady: What are these candies for? Me: They’re not candies. Don’t eat them. Grady: What are they? Me: They’re…

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Father-Daughter Dance

She bought a new dress. She had her nails painted. She wore makeup. Her purse was all sparkles. He wore a new belt and matching socks. He gave her flowers. He spun her around. And he had her home by…

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She’s a Trucker.

Sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I say bad words in front of my kids. Fucking sue me. So we went to this sweet little book store near our house called Books&Books. I let the kids each buy a book and…

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Whoa, Girls.

Annie Bea: Mom, what is a bra? Ugh, this is one of those questions that I obviously know the answer to but I for some reason I can’t put it into words. Me: It’s like… A bra is like something…

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OctoMom

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the OctoMom is that woman who had eight babies at once. But I’d like to present you with a new OctoMom. Me. Actually, all of us parents are OctoMoms because at any given moment we…

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Princess

I’m pretty fancy, so when the new iPhone X came out, I got it. My giant, high-tech mobile device does everything. It uses facial recognition to unlock, which is amazing because my kids don’t have my face. It can make…

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Tapping and Coding

On Saturday mornings, when normal people are still tucked in bed nursing their Friday happy hour headaches, millions of parents are schlepping their children around town to karate, piano, soccer, hockey, cooking, robotics, gymnastics, tennis, painting, mind reading, gardening, surfing,…

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Can’t Wait for Sunday

Nana sent Annie Bea some fancy, clip-on earrings. She won’t take them off. She also won’t call them earrings. Annie Bea: These “ringers” are so beautiful. And guess what, mom? You can borrow them on Sundays. She’s so generous.

Help Me, Webster

Annie Bea: Mom, what does “mysterious” mean? Me: It means you don’t know what it is. It’s unknown. It’s an enigma. Annie Bea: Mom, what does “enigma” mean? Me: It’s like something that leaves you perplexed. It’s puzzling. Annie Bea:…

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Nice Romper

Every morning, while I dry my hair, Annie Bea stands next to me twisting and turning in the full length mirror. She’s weighing the pros and cons of her outfit for school. Today she was wearing a romper. To be…

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