Jerks Don’t Get Lice

I never had lice as a child. But as an adult? Twice. And both times I got it from my son. I got it from snuggling up close and reading to him. From loving and hugging him. From brushing his…

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Wrong Playdate

I love my husband but he does not have an eye for details. He once wore a mismatched pair of flips flops for three weeks – one of the flip flops wasn’t even his and it was two sizes too…

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Did You Lock the Door?

Have you ever walked in on your parents having sex? The door swung open and there he was. And there we were. And there it was. Daddy’s ass. Grady: What on EARTH is going on in here? I just got…

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Yo God, You Just Got Punk’d

Easter fell on April Fool’s Day this year. During the collection at mass, Grady decided to test God’s funny bone.

I’m Not a Scientist

While dying Easter eggs, I was reminded of the fact that I am not a scientist. Here’s the play by play. Grady: What are these candies for? Me: They’re not candies. Don’t eat them. Grady: What are they? Me: They’re…

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Coddling Santa

I have the only kid on earth (correct me if I’m wrong) who gives a shit about Santa Claus’s feelings on Easter. Grady insisted on wearing his Santa pjs while dying eggs so The Big Guy wouldn’t think he’d been…

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School Socks

The other day I told Grady that I put new school socks in his drawer. As you can imagine, he was super excited. The next morning, he waltzed out with his backpack and lunch box, calling over his shoulder, “Bye,…

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Rosa Parks

It’s Black History Month and Grady has to do a report on Rosa Parks. I’m not gonna lie – I’ve been dreading this project because Grady has no concept of racism or segregation. I knew it was going to make…

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Me and My Mop

Last Friday at 6 AM, I woke up to go to the gym. On my way out of the house, I discovered a new body of water running through the kitchen and dining room. A water line had broken. Oh…

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