How Does My Garden Grow?

When you have kids, you have to do things you don’t want to do. You just have to. You have to read the same bedtime book over and over. You have to brush Barbie’s knotted, ratty hair. You have to search…

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Soccer Cones

Apparently we don’t pick up Hammy’s poop in the backyard anymore. We just set up a few soccer cones and that’s that.

Poop Doggy Dog

Hurricane Irma is on her way. So we left Miami to hunker down and drink out, I mean wait out the storm in Orlando. Meanwhile, the kids are finding new ways to entertain themselves before the wind and rain keep…

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Missing: Ham

Every Wednesday the pool boy comes. (Don’t get excited, ladies. Our pool boy is overweight with an underbite and wears shockingly tiny shoes.) He makes our pool sparkle and then he leaves. But last Wednesday he forgot to close the…

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Pain in the Neck

Kids are a pain in the ass. But my real problem is the pain in my neck. Every parent knows that tightness between the shoulders from pushing a stroller and a shopping cart and a swing and a tricycle. We’ve…

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Dr. Ham Sandwich Levine

As parents of humans, we often take our canine children for granted. The ones who don’t talk back, who don’t ask for anything but the occasional treat, who love us so much that their bodies shake when we walk through…

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Get Out of My Bed!

I wake up every morning with two kids, a dog and a Jason slowly pushing me off the last square inch of my king-size bed. But the thing is, none of them come to the bed solo. Grady brings two…

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I’m Scared

It’s 4:15 AM and I’ve been up with Annie Bea for two hours. She’s scared of everything. I started out sympathetic and sweet. Annie Bea: Mommy! I’m scared! I scramble out of bed to her side. Me: It’s ok. Nothing…

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A Kid’s Best Friend

Hammy is the best. Grady and Annie Bea, you are so lucky to be growing up with the world’s most patient dog. He’s also lucky to be growing up with the world’s messiest eaters.