While dying Easter eggs, I was reminded of the fact that I am not a scientist. Here’s the play by play. Grady: What are these candies for? Me: They’re not candies. Don’t eat them. Grady: What are they? Me: They’re…
Coddling Santa
I have the only kid on earth (correct me if I’m wrong) who gives a shit about Santa Claus’s feelings on Easter. Grady insisted on wearing his Santa pjs while dying eggs so The Big Guy wouldn’t think he’d been…
Malcolm Applegate
A man in England lasted only three years with his nagging wife before he “went out for milk” one day and disappeared for ten years. To remain hidden and safe from the old ball and chain, he lived in the…
Warning: OCD may be deadly.
I have OCD. I mean, all my therapist ever talks about is Generalized Anxiety Disorder but trust me, I have OCD, as well. It’s kinda like my side (dis)order. So, when we discovered the rat problem in our house, it…
Father-Daughter Dance
She bought a new dress. She had her nails painted. She wore makeup. Her purse was all sparkles. He wore a new belt and matching socks. He gave her flowers. He spun her around. And he had her home by…
She’s a Trucker.
Sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I say bad words in front of my kids. Fucking sue me. So we went to this sweet little book store near our house called Books&Books. I let the kids each buy a book and…
The Luck of the Jewish
Forget leprechauns and shamrocks and The Blarney Stone. If you want to be lucky, just be a Levine. My mother-in-law has had 42 car accidents (3 of which she totaled the car parked behind her in her very own driveway).…
Digital Whoopee Cushion
Grady: Alexa, fart. Alexa: [FART] Are you kidding me? She farts?
Order Up
If there’s one thing my dad and I have in common, it’s that we can’t resist paying for everyone. I got us another round. Put your money away. I already paid. It’s been taken care of. You can pay next…
Llaman
Living in Miami can be very challenging for those of us who don’t speak Spanish. For example, I need to register Annie Bea for kindergarten in the fall but I also need to fill out forms to have her transferred…