I hate Legos. I hate the size of them. I hate the amount of them. And I hate all the times they have punctured the arch of my foot. But they keep Grady focused, on task and entertained. So I…
Yo God, You Just Got Punk’d
Easter fell on April Fool’s Day this year. During the collection at mass, Grady decided to test God’s funny bone.
Mafia Rats
For months we have been dealing with rats in our roof. A few weeks ago, as some of you may know, they started moving into our cabinets. After setting and resetting traps, it appears the rats have left the building.…
I’m Not a Scientist
While dying Easter eggs, I was reminded of the fact that I am not a scientist. Here’s the play by play. Grady: What are these candies for? Me: They’re not candies. Don’t eat them. Grady: What are they? Me: They’re…
Coddling Santa
I have the only kid on earth (correct me if I’m wrong) who gives a shit about Santa Claus’s feelings on Easter. Grady insisted on wearing his Santa pjs while dying eggs so The Big Guy wouldn’t think he’d been…
Malcolm Applegate
A man in England lasted only three years with his nagging wife before he “went out for milk” one day and disappeared for ten years. To remain hidden and safe from the old ball and chain, he lived in the…
Warning: OCD may be deadly.
I have OCD. I mean, all my therapist ever talks about is Generalized Anxiety Disorder but trust me, I have OCD, as well. It’s kinda like my side (dis)order. So, when we discovered the rat problem in our house, it…
Father-Daughter Dance
She bought a new dress. She had her nails painted. She wore makeup. Her purse was all sparkles. He wore a new belt and matching socks. He gave her flowers. He spun her around. And he had her home by…
She’s a Trucker.
Sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I say bad words in front of my kids. Fucking sue me. So we went to this sweet little book store near our house called Books&Books. I let the kids each buy a book and…
The Luck of the Jewish
Forget leprechauns and shamrocks and The Blarney Stone. If you want to be lucky, just be a Levine. My mother-in-law has had 42 car accidents (3 of which she totaled the car parked behind her in her very own driveway).…